Major League Sucker #01 – Opening Day

Finally, Major League Soccer is back. After months of anxiety, sadness, despair and depression, MLS is finally back. So in true sad boi fashion, instead of focusing on all the opening day excitement, I’m going to look at the biggest disappointments, anti-climaxes, most underwhelming performances and weird moments of MLS Matchday One.

Empty seats on Opening Day? Not on my watch! (Source, Morgan Tencza)

Talen Energy Stadium (Philadelphia Union v Toronto FC)

This didn’t feel like the first game of the season, this felt like a mid-season game.

It’s the first game of the season and you have a new superstar in Marco Fabian on your team, but you can’t fill your stadium? What? The stadium should be packed to the rafters. Obviously, the stadium wasn’t empty, on the contrary, there was a decently sized crowd, but empty seats?…On Opening Day? That really pissed me off.

The Union lost 3-1.

#ThighGate (Orlando City v New York City FC)

Imagine not getting through the first 30 minutes of your first match of the season without pulling your hamstring. Honestly Assistant Referee, just leave it mate, football just isn’t for you, honestly. Imagine disagreeing. Hope this helps. Bottler.

Football Twitter meme aside, this was just weird. The assistant referee pulled up after half an hour of play and had to be substituted. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone pull their hamstring on the first day of the season. The weirdest thing about this whole situation was that, after being substituted, the injured assistant acted as the 4th official, where naturally, he had to stand and follow the play for the rest of the game. Give the man a damn chair and let him rest his hammy, jeez.

I obviously wish him a speedy recovery, but maybe try warming up properly next time.

Caleb Fraud-er (Columbus Crew v New York Red Bulls)

Caleb ‘the Fraud’ Porter and his Columbus Crew hosted the still-in-the-CONCACAF-Champions-League New York Red Bulls. Guess what happened? The still-in-the-CONCACAF-Champions-League Red Bulls rested most of their starters for the CCL, turned up with their reserves and the Crew, playing their first team, failed to beat ‘the Baby Bulls’, ultimately drawing 1-1.


Zlatan…kinda (LA Galaxy v Chicago Fire)

Yes, he scored a goal. Yes, that goal was the winner as the Galaxy beat Chicago 2-1. But the thing is, he talked all this crap during the offseason about how he’s going to break all these records blah blah blah. He was INVISIBLE for most of the match against the Fire and even his goal was more about being in the right position rather than being good at football. Yeah, I said it. Zlatan is not good at football. Boom.

FC Cincinnati

What was that?

MLS experts like Matt Doyle and Bobby Warshaw were pretty down on Cincy. I, the brilliant mind that I am, was actually quite excited about the new team from Ohio. Boy, was I wrong.

My beloved Seattle Sounders played host to FC Cincinnati for their inaugural MLS match and the Sounders absolutely battered them. It was a slaughter. FCC managed to take the lead after 13 minutes, but that only angered the Sounders and they annihilated Cincy. Kelvin Leerdam scored in the 27th minute and Jordan Morris got a 10-minute brace to take a 3-1 lead into half time. The second half was quite boring, but it ended on a high, with Raul Ruidiaz scoring in the 87th minute to make it 4-1.

Seattle could’ve easily scored 5 or 6 – they utterly dominated and humiliated Cincinnati in front of 40,000 people in the stadium and hundreds of thousands, maybe millions, watching at home. That was crazy.

Scoring against the Sounders = not a good idea. (Source)

Frank de Bore & Brekxit (DC United v Atlanta United)

Last season’s champions Atlanta travelled to the capital to face ‘Rooneh’ and DC United. ATL’s new coach Frank de Boer played Brek Shea at left wing-back and, oh my god, that was terrible. Shea got done countless times by Paul Arriola and de Boer should pull a hard Brekxit and drop him for the next match.

Terrible defending and a Brad Guzan howler saw DC win 2-0 as Ben Olsen simply outsmarted de Boer, who is still living off of the success he had with Ajax 200 years ago.

And finally: My Predictions

“What are you?”

An idiot sandwich.




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